I recently fell off a ladder. It wasn't like my life flashed ahead of me and I thought this is the end. Rather, I thought to myself, why do I keep hurting myself? This is not the first time I've been injured. In fact in the last 5 months I injured my back while sweeping. I fell on my face at a grocery store and fractured my nose. And now I took on a ladder which decided to eat my foot.
The good new is I'm not dead. I was never even hospitalized. Yet talking to my son recently, he gasped in disbelief that I have had so many injuries in such a short period of time. I too have been thinking a lot about what this means, and am starting to see the divine gift that this has given me. But I still find myself going kicking and screaming like a small child having to take a bath when instead I want to play with my toys.
This internal battle is showing up for me so I can begin again, and get back on the journey God has made for me. And that is to write.
The funny thing about writing is I never thought of myself as a writer. I loved writing poetry as a young teen, but than was discouraged from writing since my teachers only told me what I was doing wrong, and not what I was doing right.
When I started writing again I found that I couldn't stop. It's as if the words flew through me. I saw it much like a dance, piecing together words with one another with a graceful rhythm that came alive with each thought I put down on paper. I even wrote a book, than another. Yet, I found myself giving it all up. Stopping abruptly as if it was all some big joke and I was never supposed to write.
That was almost 2 years ago. I made up excuses for my stopping. I said it's better to focus on my kids. They need me now. I said I have nothing to share. No one would like what I wrote, so why bother. I said I'm a fraud. It's best to stick to what I know and be happy with what I have.
Then I fell. Hurt my foot. I hurt my back. I hurt my face. All of these moments seem to offer a clear message. I'm holding back. I'm not allowing my shine to come through.
This morning this message became clear when I finally dug deep and while sitting in my garden, I came to terms with my life. My holding back is hurting me. Both physically and emotionally. And the only way to change this is to take a brave step and begin again.
So starting today, I'm going to commit to writing every day. Writing a blog. Writing in my journal. Writing my next book.
I have to admit, I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't get my "mojo" back. I'm scared that I will give up again, only to be disappointed with myself yet again.
I have learned from many of my mentors, that they were scared to. They got on stage, even when there was sweat on their brow and they wanted to vomit from fear. They wrote books even though they felt like terrible writers. But they did it. They just did it.
So today is a new day. I'm starting to push that merry go round in hopes that it starts taking off on it's own. Even if I fail, I'm happy to just try again. Lord knows I don't need another injury to get my attention!
I hope you too start something again. Take this journey with me. Know that you are not alone. You are never alone.